Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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