I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
