Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
