Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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