I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
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I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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