Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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