Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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