in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
