I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
