Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
