Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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