I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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