Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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