I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
My life is pants optional.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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