so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
