Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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