i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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