im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
