the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
she smelled like a LAN party
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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