just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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