True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
