No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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