Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
