i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
