take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I skipped work to stalk him.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize