if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
