I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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