You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
No...this little piggys going to the bar
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
