I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
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