im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Randomize
