one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
