i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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