my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
