Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
