I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
