i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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