I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
