somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
