ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
