Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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