You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
