I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
