dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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