the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
