I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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