oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
