So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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