Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
