I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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