Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
