Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
