Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
