If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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