Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
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